Category Archives: Frippery

See the new poll? Is improved version of old poll!

2 February, 2008

Thanks to, Mr Moles, for suggesting that what I really wanted to know was which supernatural creature are we most sick of. You’re a genius, Moles!

I will make no attempt to guide your voting since I failed so abysmally to get ghouls over the top in the last poll. Though I will say that I’m sick to death of vampire love stories. Not vampires, just them as an object of desire. They’re dead, people. Their flesh is cold. If vampires were realistically portrayed they’d be forever flicking maggots off themselves. Ewwww!

For those not quick of eye—the poll is in the sidebar to your right.

Faerie, fairy, fey, whatever . . .

2 February, 2008

If I decided that the current poll was a wee bit of market research I’d be feeling quite happy that my next book1 is a fairy book. Thing is though that it’s not a f-a-e-r-i-e book. It’s a f-a-i-r-y book.

What’s the difference you ask? Well, in YA and children’s publishing land there are dark, scary faery like those that Holly Black writes about, who would as soon gouge your eyes out as look at you. And then there’s your pink, glittery, tinkerbell kind of fairy. A la all those of the Disney books etc. etc.

My fairies are probably more Disney than Holly Black. But they’re not pink. They’re not even visible. And um they help you do specific things. Like there are good-hair fairies and loose-change-finding fairies. You can’t fall in love with them, they can’t break your heart, or gouge out your eyes, and they don’t wave their magic wands to make pages turn.2 Like I said you can’t even see my fairies.

Thus I’m not sure the overwhelming popularity of Faery in the poll oppposite is going to help me any. It’s also made me a bit despondent about my Zombie Quintet. Not to mention the snow-boarding werewolf epic. And the daikaiju versus ghouls manga series.

Just as well I have an genuine certified-as-real-by-Holly-Black faerie story coming out at the same time as my fairy novel. It’s called “Thinner Than Water”3 and you’ll find it in the pages of Love is Hell edited by Farren Miller. I’m sure there are other faerie stories in there, too. Though Scott’s isn’t, but if you squinted as you read it, you could convince yourself it was . . . Sort of.4

Though if the poll were accurate vampires would be in the lead, given that there are way more vampire books than anything else. So bugger the poll! I’ll write my Zombie Quintet anyways and the snow-boarding werewolves and the daikaiju/ghoul manga. Maybe I’ll work my way through the list. I’ve already written about witches (Magic or Madness trilogy), and as mentioned above both faerie and fairy. I have a devil story, but that’s not on the poll. It just means figuring out a new take on vampires . . . Piece of cake.

I’ll go back to writing my next novel, now . . . Hava good weekend and don’t forget the aerogard!5

  1. coming in September of this year and no longer called The Ultimate Fairy Book [↩]
  2. A very old person reference. My apologies to those under thirty-five who read this blog. [↩]
  3. previously titled “Lammas Day” [↩]
  4. Other stories are by Melissa Marr, Laurie Faria Stolarz, and Gabrielle Zevin. [↩]
  5. Not that you need it where I am right now . . . [↩]

Wedding dance

27 January, 2008

Me and Scott did not have a proper wedding on account of eloping but I’d like to think that if we had done the full-blown thing we’d’ve got our shit together to pull off the now traditional surprise wedding dance a la:

or

But I suspect not. I’d settle for attending a wedding where the couple pulled off something like it. How very fabulous.

I never get tired of these vids. I love youtube.

Sites of interest

26 January, 2008

Jill Lepore has an excellently entertaining piece in The New Yorker about Benjamin Franklin’s whimsy. Being Australian, I’m not a Benjamin Franklin expert. For instance I didn’t know that he’s the originator of many aphorisms, such as “Early to Bed, and early to rise, makes a Man healthy, wealthy and wise”. An aphorism that really pissed off Mark Twain: “The sorrow that that maxim has cost me through my parents’ experimenting on me with it, tongue cannot tell.” As someone who is also troubled by mornings and in love with staying up late, I sympathise.

My fave of Franklin’s sayings is “He that lives upon Hope, dies farting.” Of which Lepore notes, “Scholars have suggested that the last one was a printer’s error, and should have read ‘fasting,’ but, I ask you, who was the printer?” Answer: Benjamin Franklin.

Tee hee. Farting . . . I think I have become a Benjamin Franklin fan.

Speaking of fabulous people, my sister, Niki Bern, has her new show reel up, which consists of scenes from well-known movies for which she has wrought most excellent digital effects. I’m so proud! Be warned though that it is a Very Big File. Go, Niki!

Juvenilia

17 January, 2008

Because we’re on a juvenilia panel at ConFusion, Scott is in the next room making strange noises. Some of it is laughter, most of it is groans. He’s reading through stuff he wrote when he was a teenager.

Because all my juvenilia is back in Sydney, my wonderful mother transcribed some of the earliest stuff to send me. Bless you, Jan. I just read through it.

Oh, dear.

Sad to say, but there is not an inkling of genius in either of our earliest writings. Wow. We must have worked pretty hard in the intervening years learning how to, you know, construct a sentence or two that don’t completely suck.

I might put some of it up on our sites to demonstrate that even the most talentless kid can grow up to be a writer.

In the meantime, we’re off to snowy Detroit, for the fun and laughter of ConFusion. Hope to see some of you there. We’re not bringing our computers so blogging is unlikely.

Here’s my favourite sentence from my juvenilia written when I was about 7 or 8:

A long time ago there lived a group of dragons that were called the toughies.

Don’t have too much fun while I’m away!

Where do you get your ideas?

15 January, 2008

I’ve been asked this question about eleventy bazillion kajillion times and I’ve only been a published writer for about three years.1 Most recently my new (and FABULOUS) publisher Bloomsbury USA asked me, “Where do you get your ideas?” in their author questionnaire. Here’s what I said:

I steal them from Maureen Johnson.2

So now Maureen, the wise one herself, has answered the question and she’s done it so brilliantly and perfectly that I can do what I said I do: steal her idea, which is

brain monkeys


(This is how I imagine brain monkeys look. Though they are actually twin albino pygmy monkeys.)

That’s where Maureen gets her ideas from and it’s So True. Mine come from brain monkeys, too! Nasty little buggers running around in the old brain pain, flinging poo, screeching, tugging at bits that don’t want to be tugged, laughing.

Evil annoying brain monkeys.

Except when they cobble some really cool stuff together like cricket and mangosteens and Elvis and monkey knife fights (though should they really be pointing at themselves?) and quokkas and feminism and runic surfing and it congeals and melds and explodes and winds up being my next book, formerly known as The Ultimate Fairy Book, which is coming out in September and whose brand new title and cover I hope to share with you sometime in the next three or four weeks.

Glorious brain monkeys!

Now we all have the answer to that extremely irksome question. Bless you, Maureen.3

  1. I hate to think how many times Stephen King has had to answer it. I mean, seriously, if he punches the next person to ask, that should be permissible. [↩]
  2. Was probably funnier before the most recent plagiarism scandal . . . [↩]
  3. We must all tell Stephen King before he punches someone. [↩]

Palm tree

5 January, 2008

On New Year’s Eve, thanks to regular reader, Marrije, I was surrounded by palm trees. Okay, just the one palm tree. A palm tree that required a certain amount of assemblage:

before it was fully grown:

How can it be cold when there’s a palm tree in the house?

Thanks, Marrije!

Ask Maureen

26 October, 2007

Over at Maureen Johnson’s blog she’s busy answering punters’ questions in a vastly entertaining way.1 Yay, Maureen!

If you haven’t already go over and ask her a quessie. Make it curly though. The most difficult question you can think of. Then make it more difficult than that even. Frankly, I don’t think she’s being stretched enough. We all need to really put her through her paces.

I wish Maureen would tell me how to write six things at once without my head exploding.

  1. The trick to entertaining answers, apparently, is to make stuff up. Why didin’t I think of that? [↩]

Jacket monkey

29 September, 2007

I am a jacket monkey which totally works for me as those are two of my favourite things. I love beautiful jackets and I love monkeys. What could be better than putting them together? (If I weren’t pressed for time there would a picture of a monkey wearing a jacket here. You’ll just have to imagine it.)

Today me and Nicola from Nicola’s books in Ann Arbor opened many many copies of Extras to the signing page for Scott to scribble all over. We were his jacket monkeys. I want a Jacket Monkey t-shirt. I’ve already earned it. So many copies! So many jackets! So many pages!

In other news I am regretting that I learned on an earlier trip never to travel with manga because just before we left I read the first two volumes of Naruto and Hana-Kimi and R.O.D. and I am desperate to read more. Sadly it only takes half an hour to read one manga. To meet my reading needs on this trip I would need a truckload. They’re heavy. No more manga for almost three weeks. Waaaah!!!

Turns out that two of our writer friends are here: John Scalzi and Elizabeth Gilbert. Yay! The first we learned when Scalzi tackled Scott in the middle of a cocktail party. We authors are so well behaved . . .

It’s 12:20AM in Chicago. But that’s really 1:20AM in NYC. And past my bedtime on account of waking up before the sun rose. Erk!

I sleep now.

The worst book ever written

6 September, 2007

The worst book ever written is so very bad that there are warnings on Amazon to not even glance at the cover in case it infects you with its badness. Those warnings are true!

Holly Black LOVES this unspeakably bad book. So much so that she has many copies of it. So much so that she made us all read chapters out loud on the DragonTrain, which made us all laugh so hard we wept. I threw up I was laughing so hard.

The book is THAT bad.

Remember I was rambling recently about how you can’t include all details when you write? This book attempts to do that. It takes a kajillion chapters for the protag to cross a steet. All conversations are replicated in their full tedious detail—including repetitions and broken sentences and ums and ahs. And this tediously described every second of the protag’s day is interspersed with some of the most horrifically bad sex scenes ever written.

This book takes some of my favourite things in the world and renders them boring.

It is a jewel of bad writing. All you have to do is read it and then never ever write sentences remotely like it and you will have learned to write well. I would recommend it to all of you except that the writer’s rabid fans would hunt me down and kill me.

I can say this it is not a YA book. And I take back every word I have ever said about certain YA books. They are works of genius in comparison. I can safely say that no YA publisher would ever dream of publishing such dreck and if they did there’s no way it would make all the bestseller lists. Teenagers are WAY more discerning than that.

Kisses and hugs (updated)

11 August, 2007

I just had a fight over which is the kiss and which is the hug: the x or the o.

I say the x is the kiss on account of it’s representative of a scrunched up mouth. The o is a hug cause it’s arms in a circle which (unless you’re hugging yourself) is classic hugging action.

I will not share my friend’s strange delusion of what they mean because, really, too weird!

Then I asked Scott and he agreed with my friend. And even google says the friend is right.

Madness reigns! Or maybe it’s another one of those Oz versus US of A things? she asked hopefully.

Whatever. I have decided to ignore them all. For me the x is the kiss and the o is the hug.

xo

Justine

Update: I win! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Take that!

Though I totally fail at google . . .

Sibling differences

22 July, 2007

In the New York Times sisters (and friends of mine) Catherine Gilbert Murdock and Elizabeth Gilbert discuss recent findings that older siblings have higher IQs than younger ones. They are wry and amusing. Especially if like me you have one sister. (Not telling whether I’m older or younger.) Go read! (If you don’t have a login bugmenot is your friend.)

Catherine & Liz are both fabulous writers. Liz’s latest Eat, Pray, Love has been no. 1 on the New York Times bestseller non-fic paperback list for weeks and weeks and weeks. Seriously, everyone I’ve ever met has read and loved her book. I keep getting emails from people asking why Scott and me are mentioned (amongst many others) in the acknowledgments. The subtext being, “I can’t believe you know an actual famous person!” Well, yes, we do. Plus we were once on the same street as Bill Clinton. We could see his head just peeping out over those of his bodyguards. Us and famous people—we’re like this. I’m just saying . . .

And Catherine’s Dairy Queen has been praised over hill and dale. I loved it, but I loved the sequel Off Season even more. It’s my favourite sequel I’ve read in ages for many, many, many reasons but mostly because of what she does with the romance plot. Brilliant, moving and so very true. Go read! I’m really hoping there’ll be a third book. Catherine?

LOLYA covers contest continues

20 July, 2007

The contest is open until the end of this month (rules are here). The response has been amazing. I mean, we were hoping for at least half a dozen responses, there’s been more than fifty.

If you don’t want to spend all day being clicky with links, the lovely Lili Wilkinson has put all the covers in one place. And as more come in she’ll keep adding them. Check it out!

I have no idea how we’re going to pick winners. So many of them make me giggle. Now if only someone would do a cover in praise of zombies or that mocked uni***ns . . .

This is officially the best contest ever!

Vampire elves

18 July, 2007

Holly Black is making me giggle (via Gwenda). Now all I can think about is vampire elves and zombie unicorns and werewolf-griffins and pirate-orcs and . . . and which of all of those would win in battle and what they’d look like and what they’d eat. Would vampire elves still not like steel and not tell lies? And what would a novel with all these creatures in it be like?

Oh, hush, Justine. You have stories to write! Novels to unbuggerize! Admin to adminerate! Stop procrastinating.

Dry T-shirt contest

18 July, 2007

Over at insideadog Scott has had an attack of the lolcats and defaced several fine Australian young adult book covers. I am deeply horrified. Has he no sense of the sacred?

If you feel the urge to vandalise some other book covers (they don’t have to be Australian or young adult) post the links to your efforts in the comments thread over there. The best ones will receive a lovely Extras T-shirt. The contest is open until the end of the month and we’ll announce the winners in early August.

Best T-shirt ever (updated)

4 June, 2007

On Saturday I ran into wondrous super-librarian Carlie Webber at Book Expo America (BEA). She was wearing the best T-shirt of all time. Check it out:

The Mary Sue-iest!

And how about the back:

Ha ha ha!!

I laughed and laughed.

For those who do not know what a Mary Sue is or have not read any of the Harry Potter books—where have you been?

Update: The T-shirt of greatness was created by Amy
Tenbrink of Narrate Conferences.

Romans a clef

1 June, 2007

Maud Newton keeps raving about books I used to love as a kid. First she went back and reread East of Eden and found it just as fabby as the first time she read it thus compelling me to do the same and find the same (ah, the bliss of that book!) and now she’s talking about Somerset Maugham with whom I was OBSESSED in years seven and eight. Me and my friend Michal read all his novels and short stories we could find. It was heaven. So much melodrama! So much angst! And unlike (most) Steinbeck—so many funny bits!

My Maugham love is why I booked us into the Somerset Maugham Suite at Raffles1 for Scott’s birthday. Twas a ittle bit naughty seeing as how I didn’t know Scott’s feelings about Mr Maugham. I am so glad I did because on the writing desk of the suite we found several collections of Maugham’s essays and memoirs which I’d never read before. We spent a whole day lazing about reading his thoughts on writing, which led to much reading out loud of particularly excellent passages and then long discussions.2 Most. Relaxing. Day. Ever.

Maud mentions Somerset Maugham’s most excellent roman a clef, Cakes and Ale, which deals with London literary life in the 1920s and is deliciously catty about several writers, most notably Horace Hugh Walpole. Maugham wrote to Walpole to deny having lampooned him even though it was obviously true3. I can just see Walpole’s response: “Please!”

I now have to reread Cakes and Ale because I distinctly remember that it was the one book of his that did not impress me at thirteen. Who cares about a bunch of whingey writers? BORING!

I doubt I will have the same response now that I am a whingey writer myself. And more to the point I’m a whingey writer who hangs out with other whingey writers. This is very strange but somehow I have wound up being part of a literary circle.4 We hang out together. We talk books and writing. We read and comment on each other’s work. We bitch about each other. We are just like Maugham and co way back when.5

Oh. My. Elvis!

Which raises the question who will be the first to write the roman a clef about the YA writers scene in New York? Surely it’s time! I demand that we be satirised!6 Immediately! Hurry up!

Why is no one scribbling away?!

Do I have to do this myself?

  1. Is there any way to type those words without coming across like a wanker? Though actually those words are more wanky back home than in the US of A. When boasting that we were going to be at Raffles I discovered that nobody in America has even heard of it. Good Grief. It’s only one of the most famous hotels in the world! What on Earth do USians learn in school anyway? [↩]
  2. I must get copies so that I can share all the good bits. He has much to say about a working writer’s life. [↩]
  3. He admitted it after Walpole’s death. [↩]
  4. I’m not going to link to those people because I’m jetlagged and it’s the wee hours and I’m bound to leave someone out and offend them. Or include someone and offend them. [↩]
  5. Except not as talented. I speak for myself on that one. There will be no tickets written on this blog! [↩]
  6. By someone other than Gawker. [↩]

Seven billion dollar post

20 May, 2007

Because that’s how much it’s costing me to be online.

I may need to do hotel-hatred management classes fairly soon.

In short:

Adelaide still gorgeous, still full of churches.

The wedding was awesome. I’m a sucker for weddings at the best of times. But this was more excellent than most. The bride’s speech rocked.

Despite the insane hotel gouging not allowing me to function in the 21st century, I’m more relaxed and happy than I’ve been in ages. Amazing how wonderful not working (and possibly not going online) and getting to hang out with my friends without feeling guilty is. More please!

Melbourne next. Where there will be much work and fun at Reading Matters. I’d link but that would lose me my second and third born children.

I leave you with a few questions:

Why is it not socially acceptable to say no to having your photo taken?

Have you ever bought books on account of reading blogs by their authors? Do you do it a lot?

Purple dress or red shoes? Can they be worn together?

PS Sorry for not responding to emails or comments. Blame the gouging hotels. Normal service will resume at the beginning of June.

Overwhelmed + Harry Potter

14 May, 2007

Thank you everyone for all the posts, comments and emails of congratulations on Magic or Madness winning the Norton. I’m completely overwhelmed. So happy! So dance-y! And so going to knock off some champers with my parents and Scott to celebrate tonight.

The only thing I feel a little weird about is Megan Whalen Turner’s King of Attolia not winning. As I’ve mentioned before the Attolia trilogy has been a touchstone for me ever since I first read The Thief way back when and even more since Queen of Attolia broke my brain in about twelve different ways. If you haven’t read the trilogy than I urge you once again to do so.

So Harry Potter. I’m hearing lots of speculation that Rowling is going to off Harry. Like this exchange reported by the lovely Cassie Clare:

CC: So, book 7. Harry dies?
Bookseller 1: God, I hope so.
Bookseller 2: But I don’t want him to go out like Sirius. He’s got to bite it in a definitive way so we know he’s really dead and is NEVER COMING BACK.
BS1: I want to see internal organs hanging from the ceiling. I want his liver splattered on the wall.
BS2: And then Draco should eat it.

I would like to go on the record as saying that while personally I hope Harry dies cause I find his endless whingeing annoying, professionally I desperately need him to live.

The death of Harry will so deeply traumatise fans that they are very likely to give up reading all together. Which would be a DISASTER!

Think of the drop in book sales! Think of me and Scott and all the other writers and publishers and editors and booksellers and printers and all the other people employed by the publishing industry having to support ourselves by scrounging for the change that’s fallen down the back of the couch!

And if the publishing industry collapses, then surely the paper industry will take a huge hit, not to mention the producers of inks, and everyone who works at libraries and schools. Literacy may end.

If Harry Potter dies the world as we know it will fall apart!

I know the book’s prolly already printed and everything, but if you’re reading this, Ms Rowling, it’s not too late to rewrite the ending if you did, in fact, do that dreadful world-destroying thing. I’m begging you, DO NOT KILL HARRY!!!

Am I wrong? Does anyone else fear a Harry Potter led end of the world?

What happens to Reason

9 April, 2007

Courtesy of Marrije, I now know what happens to Reason after the Magic or Madness trilogy:

She’s now working advertising coffee in the Netherlands!

See the eerie resemblance?

It’s a huge relief to me to know that at least one of my characters is not going to starve just because I’ve stopped writing about them. Phew!

Great editing or great publicity?

21 March, 2007

I was hanging out with a fabulous group of young adult writers t’other night and we got into a silly debate about the following question:

If you could only choose one which would you choose:

the publishing house with a wonderful editor who brings out the best in you, or

the house with fabulous publicity, marketing and sales departments?

A surprising number of authors plumped for publicity because they have a brilliant group of first readers who can critique their books so that even without a great editor they’d still be getting a kind of editing.

There were lots of attempts to cheat, like, “Can I have a pretty good editor and pretty good publicity?”

No! This is a hypothetical. You have to pick one!

A few people went into long rants about never having had either. To which we replied: This is a hypothetical, not real life! Stop moaning and pick one!

I had two wonderful editors at Razorbill, Eloise Flood and Liesa Abrams, who really did make the Magic or Madness trilogy so much better than it would have been. Ridiculously better. Working with them was the best working experience I’ve ever had. It’s intoxicating working with great editors. Better than champagne (or whatever substance is your equivalent of champagne).

If you’ve never been edited and want to get a sense of the process I recommend you read Dear Genius: The Letters of Ursula Nordstrom. She edited such obscure books as Charlotte’s Web and Where the Wild Things Are. Many of her authors claim that she was a genius, reading those letters made me agree with them.

I’ve also seen excellent publicity/sales/marketing teams at work, creating a hit out of a book that otherwise might have disappeared between the cracks. Sending the writer on pre-publication tour to meet all the “big mouths” of the genre, making a big splash at BEA/ALA etc, sending the author who’s set a book in a boarding school on a tour of boarding schools, setting up interviews and appearances with the big national media etc etc etc, creating smart and catchy advertisements online and off.

Anyone know of a good book about a great publiciist/sales or marketing type?

So what would you choose? Great editing or great publicity? And why?

Stop asking already

23 February, 2007

So apparently knowing my position on zombies and unicorns is not enough for you people. You need to know my stance on all the other important issues. Here you go then:

Werewolves versus vampires

Gotta be werewolves. There’s the whole monthly cycle thing. What could be worse1 than menstruating? Turning into a wolf! The whole metaphor for adolescence: “Ew! My body is changing in hairy and grotesque ways!” Plus wolves! What is not unbelievably awesome and fascinating and wondrous about wolves? Nothing!

Best examples: “Boobs” by Suzy McKee Charnas which is possibly the best short story ever written2 and Ginger Snaps, a most excellent Canadian movie.3

Vampires do not do it for me. The thought of getting intimate with someone who’s not only walking dead, but has (usually) been dead for centuries. Ewww! Call me old fashioned but that does not spell romance to me; it spells necrophilia. (I know that seems to contradict my stance on zombies, but no one’s talking zombie boyfriends.)

Superman versus Batman

Batman. Please! Where is the interest in someone who can do everything and can only be defeated with a really lame plot coupon? Kryptonite can kiss my left eyeball. Plus Batman is campy goodness. I am less fond of his darker incarnations. Plus Eartha Kitt! Julie Newmar!

Best examples: the TV show! Kapow! Zap! Biff! Zonk!

Saiyuki versus Scott Pilgrim

No! Don’t make me choose! I can’t. My brain will explode. The world will break into tiny pieces. I loves them both. I do! A jeep that’s a dragon versus dance fights with evil ex-boyfriends? They’re both so wonderfully cracktastically heavenly. If you haven’t gotten into either you really really really should.

I can give you no more answers. I’m too busy clutching my copies of Saiyuki and Scott Pilgrim to my chest and sobbing over their perfection. (Plus gotta go pack for Houston.)

But feel free to ask more curly quessies and supply your own answers. Though not if they’re the wrong answers, obviously. That’s right, unicorn lovers, I mean you.

  1. Some would say better. There are times when I would rather be a wolf than menstruating . . . [↩]
  2. Except for all the other great short stories. [↩]
  3. I quite like the sequel, but on no account see the third one. In fact, let us just pretend there is no third movie. [↩]

Monkey love

11 February, 2007

Scott just sent me this because we both love cricket and monkeys.1 It is the personification of our love. It makes me so happy!

Though I gotta say that’s a pretty suspicious looking bowling action. And why is the umpire lying on the ground? Because the monkey is totally using body line? Check it: the monkey’s aiming at their heads! Or perhaps because the monkey has used six different balls? That’s gotta be worse than ball tampering, right? Bad cheating monkey!

  1. He found it here, but I’d love to know the original source. [↩]

RW2: Jetlag, my favourite fruit, and signing etiquette

25 January, 2007

Pt wants to know how to cope with jetlag. I have but two pearls of wisdom:

    1) Be very very rich and fly first class. On those rare occasions I’ve been upgraded to business class I’ve recovered from jetlag many days earlier than when I fly cattle class. I can only imagine how much faster the whole thing would be in first class. Or in your own private jet. Or if you could teleport. I would not say no to a door between Sydney and New York either . . .

    2) Don’t fly anywhere. You get no jetlag and the environment will thank you.

Little Willow asks what my favourite fruits are and gets extra points for being an American and spelling “favourite” correctly.

I may possibly have mentioned my love for mangosteens. I am also dead fond of mangoes (I read this wonderful novel recently that featured a character eating a mango for the first time without knowing what it was), pineapples, rambutan, figs, longan, lychees, dates, custard apples (I just realised I haven’t eaten one in at least two years. Crap. That’s what I get for missing Sydney winters), apples (when they’re crisp and not even slightly floury), grapes (especially champagne grapes), nectarines, sugar bananas, peaches, passionfruit, dragonfruit, these amazing brown fruit I had in Thailand that I can’t remember the name of sapodillas, cherries, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, blackberries, mullberries, boysenberries, cape gooseberries and apricots.

I’m sure there’s some others that I just can’t think of right now. It’s much easier to say which fruits I’m not in love with: paw paw and grapefruit, but if there’s no other fruit going I’ll eat them. I just won’t melt with joy as I do so.

If I could only live off one food group I’d go the fruit and veg with major emphasis on the fruit part. I loves them. Anyone who does not love fruit is deeply weird and suspect.

Rebecca asks:

book signing etiquette. ex. 1: is it a bad idea to bring every book the author has ever written, even if they’ve written, like, 20? is it okay for book signees to start conversations with the author, or will that be considered rude for holding up the line?

It’s entirely dependent on how long the queue is.

If it’s short then most authors will be grateful to you for showing up at all. When they see you have all their books they may cry. Authors with teeny tiny signing queues are more likely to start a conversation with you than the other way round. They may not let you go at all. The thought of the queue going from miniscule to non-existent is too frightening for them. If this happens to you, smile politely, ask them questions, and as soon as another of the writer’s fans shows up, back away slowly and make good your escape.

I have no advice for you if no other fan shows up. It may get tricky and involve staging a diversion. I imagine Maureen Johnson would have some excellent suggestions, but I fear they would involve a stun gun.

If the line is very very very long then they’ll probably have a limit on how many books you can sign, and the author may be too ecstatic with joy at the size of their queue to be capable of coherent conversation.

But I can only surmise. I have never had a queue of unusual length (QOUL). It’s something I aspire to, like having my name bigger than the title on my books. Some day . . .

Happiness

21 January, 2007

I cannot explain why this make me so very very very happy. It just does.

Australian fast bowler, Brett Lee, in a duet with Indian legend Asha Bhosle. Why don’t more cricketers sing?

The song is currently no. 4 on the charts in India. Wonder if they’ll release it here?

Name Big=Good

16 January, 2007

I misspoke. Turns out that it’s more than possible for my name to be bigger than the title.

You can see the proper cover of Magic’s Child in the sidebar to your right. And, honestly, my name is so small you can barely even read it. How humiliating!

Now, this, this is much better:

Isn’t that a vast improvement? I likes it! I likes it a lot!

Well, okay, yes, my photoshopping leaves much to be desired. But work with me! You can see where I’m going with it, right?

You may add my name to the list of writers who dream that one day their name will be bigger than the title: “Look, Ma! That’s me! My name’s in lights!”

One day, one glorious day . . .

Hey, and this also means that Scott can have his name bigger than the title! Given that his name’s shorter than mine. Excellenter and excellenter!

What authors owe their readers

15 January, 2007

There’s been much debate about what authors owe their readers out there in bloggyland. I think the whole thing is really rather simple:

When I’ve got my writing hat on then it’s very clear that authors owe their readers absolutely nothing. Do you hear me readers? I owe you nothing!

I can write about what I want, when I want, and how I want. If I want to set fire to your favourite character’s hair, push them off a cliff, and then jump on them, I can and I will, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me. So nyer!

When I’ve got my reading hat on, then it’s very very clear that authors owe me exactly the book I was expecting. And Mr Pullman in particular owes me big time for the rubbish third book in the Dark Materials trilogy.1 Do you hear me writers? You owe me everything!

You owe me more books in my favourite series even if you’re bored with them. You owe me unharmed favourite characters, or at least not in a fatal way. And if you do kill them then you have to bring them back as a zombie or a ghost and they have to be sexy zombie-ghosts. Also you have to make sure you visit wherever I happen to be, and sign my books, and read to me when I want you to. You are my slave. Get cracking! I want more books and I want them NOW!

There, I’m glad that one’s sorted.

  1. Mr Pullman, sir? I didn’t mean it. Honest. The first two books are so unbelievably good that I forgive you for the, um, less than brilliance of the third. Okay, not less than brilliant. It’s more like it’s differently brilliant. You are a genius and I am not worthy. I tug my forelock.

    Okay, shutting up now . . . [↩]

Resolutions

30 December, 2006

There’s a bunch of kids playing loudly next door and one of them just yelled out, “I am the ruler of the universe!” I’m thinking that’s not a bad resolution, but a tricky one to follow through on. The kid next door did not succeed, because now all the kids are yelling that they are the ruler of the universe. Scott included.

I like the idea of resolutions. I like the idea of trying to better or test yourself in some small concrete way. And I especially like the idea of lots of folks all over the place all resolving to do stuff at the same time. But like most everyone else I’m usually crap at sticking to them.

I was going to resolve not to eat all the fruit in the house within a day of purchase, but who am I kidding? I’ll never stick to that. Especially not now when the mangoes are so ridiculously good. Also the figs and the nectarines and cherries and apples and bananas and passionfruit and . . .

I was also going to have another shot at the not-biting-the-nails thing. But that’s really about stress. I bite ’em when I’m stressed and don’t when I’m not. I can be non-stressy and have finger nails in Sydney, but it’s impossible not to be stressed while on the road or in New York City. Must spend more time at home!

So instead I’m going to try and waste less water and electricity. More turning off lights and other leccie powered stuff around the home and less long baths and showers.

How about you guys? Are you with the cool crowd what eschews resolutions as foolishness? Or have you got some you’re prepared to share?

How to talk to authors

17 October, 2006

A while back I wrote a wee little etiquette thingie for authors on how to talk to booksellers. It has recently been suggested by a remainder1 of authors that the non-authors of the world also need such a guide. So without further ado here is how to talk to an author:

  • Never tell us that you don’t read or like books. Or that you only read non-fiction or John Grisham. Unless we write non-fiction or are John Grisham we don’t want to know.
  • Never tell us you haven’t read our books even if you genuinely intend to. Such information will only cause us pain as we try to figure out what it is about our books that has not lured you into reading them. Is it the covers? The titles? Our name? Is it because our ranking on Amazon is too low? Our not having won the Pulitzer? Why?
  • Don’t tell us you have read our books and then say nothing. We’ll assume you hated them and us.
  • Don’t tell us you hate our books. Most authors were born with a rare condition that makes our skin much thinner than that of a normal human being. Any hint of disapproval or criticism causes us to lose even more layers.
  • Don’t be too embarrassed to praise us. Praise from our readers is the one bright moment in our otherwise blighted lives. (You try existing with hardly any skin!). Writers live in dark squalorous warrens where editors visit from time to time for the sole purpose of beating us and telling us what is wrong with our books. For a brief moment praise makes us forget these horrors.
  • Thirty minutes is considered an adequate amount of time to spend praising an author’s work. Though an hour is better. And a day or more is best of all.
  • While it is not necessary to tug your forelock, bow or curtsy, it is very much appreciated.

Feel free to share any further advice on how best to treat us poor benighted skinless authors. But not if you are an editor. Or a bookseller or agent or publicist . . .

  1. A “remainder” is the official term for a group of authors. [↩]

Milan Kundera & the Unbearable Lightness of Wankery

3 October, 2006

The 9 Oct New Yorker features an article by Milan Kundera called “What is a Novelist: How great writers are made”. And, um, I really, really hope it was written with tongue firmly in cheek cause otherwise these are the pearls of wisdom Mr Kundera offers:

    Novelists are like lyric poets except that youth is the lyrical age and novelists are old.

    To be a novelist you must tear away your lyrical chyrsalis.

    We are always wearing make-up.

    The novelist must tear through the curtain of pre-interpretation.

    Girl characters are actually based on boy characters.

    Readers don’t read novels they read themselves reading novels.

    We must all embrace the Whole.

    Beat your grandmother.

To which I can only say, “Innit!”1

  1. “Innit” is the one word in the entire world that has the magical property of instantly undoing the pretentiousness of anything previously said. I imagine Mr Kundera must have to use it A LOT. [↩]

Bad bad bad writing advice

19 September, 2006

Holly Black wisely points out that all writing advice can be bad. And Sherwood Smith writes some excellently out-and-out bad writing advice: “Write it in a week and send it instantly because professionals don’t revise. They get it right the first time.”

That’s like the worst advice ever. Can anyone top that?

The worst I can come up with are all variations on Sherwood’s: “Your first drafts are genius. Don’t change a thing!” Though how about, “It’s always best to invent your own system of spelling. It makes you stand out as a writer.”

I can think of lots of post-publication advice that would lead to career suicide:

  • Make sure to email your publicist every day to make helpful suggestions for selling your book.
  • Your editor and copyeditor are always wrong. Feel free to entirely ignore their edits.
  • Call your agent often demanding to know why they haven’t gotten you on Oprah yet.
  • If you are on a panel at a convention make sure you stay on message and steer all conversation back to you and your book. Make sure you bring a great big stack of them to show everyone.
  • If your local bookseller doesn’t have your book. Demand to know why. Do they not know who you are?!

I will stop now. This is making my brain hurt. But feel free to suggest more.

Defying Margo Lanagan (updated)

14 September, 2006

Because Margo Lanagan is one of the best writers I know, and is wonderful in every way, and has written two of the best short story collections ever published (White Time and Black Juice)—I should probably follow her rules of writing to the letter.

But, see, she has this list of banned words and every one of those words sings to me:

    accretion
    amidst
    amongst
    atop*
    corruscating
    crepuscular*
    effulgence
    enervating
    iridescent*
    jasmine
    maelstrom
    obsidian* (Margo says, “only okay when used to describe arrowheads”.)
    pellucid*
    roiling* (Margo says, “must be used with care”.)
    silken*
    ululate*
    whilst

There are heaps more but I can’t remember the rest. Help me out, Margo? Margo’s Clarion students?

Update: *Are Margo Lanagan additions to the list.

Ever since I heard of the existence of Margo’s banned words list it has become my goal in life to use every single one of them whenever possible. (I’m proud to say that one of the chapter titles in Magic or Madness is “Maelstrom”.) I can’t tell you what a difference it makes to have such a noble purpose. It was like being reborn.

Thank you, Margo! You’ve not only given me wonderful works to read, but a purpose in life.

And maybe I can inspire all of you in turn to start accreting wondrous corruscating volumes of words whilst smelling the sweet sweet sweet jasmine that is succour to all us arty writer types . . .

Write well, little angels, write well!

Naming

13 September, 2006

Someone was telling me recently about a writer who gets astrological charts done for all their characters and picks their names on the basis of that. So they know what year and date their character is born but not what their name is? Huh. Whatever works, I guess.

Me, I just grab the first one that comes to mind. So far this method has worked fine. Reason got her name instantly. It just made sense. Jay-Tee I picked cause it sounded American. I mean who other than Americans call people by their initials? And Tom, well, c’mon, it’s not exactly the world’s most unusual name, is it?

Surnames are marginally trickier. If I can’t think of one I’ll look at my bookshelf and pick whichever surname fits. Sometimes I’ll look through newspapers online and grab ’em that way. I’m dead against having to get out of my chair to find names. (Reason’s family name was stolen from Rita Hayworth.)

I reckon people spend way too much time angsting about names (check out Scott’s latest book for lots of bandname angst). Nine times out of ten whatever name you randomly pick will end up working. This applies to babies, boats and pets as well as characters.

How many times have you thought a band name sounded really stupid? But the more you hear it, the more you get used to it, and the more natural it sounds. Scott always gives the example of the Beatles, which is a pretty dumb name when you think about it. Beetles spelt Beat-les as in musical beat. That’s so cutesie it winds up being completely lame. Or it would except that we’ve all heard it so many times the lameness is now invisible.

So it is with characters’ names. The only important rule (which is frequently ignored) is that if you’re writing a book with lots of names that aren’t going to be familiar to your readers make sure they begin with different letters. Cause you just know that readers are going to think of them as J unpronouncable, K likewise, L even worse and X are-you-insane. If they all begin with J—Jaquanatsuaa, Jatarganta, Juypghert and Jioplikaz, for example—your readers are not only going to be confused, they’ll want to kill you.

How do youse lot pick names for your characters? Or are you lot all as lazy as I am?

How to write a novel*

6 September, 2006

Ever wanted to write a novel but had no clue how? Having just finished my fifth novel, I am now ready to pass on my accummulated novel-writing wisdom to those what have never writ one but wants to.

Here is the complete, full and unexpurgated guide:

First of all you need a computer. (Yeah, yeah, I know in the olden days they made do with quill, ink and paper, and typewriters—aargh! don’t get me started on how creepy and scary typewriters are—plus, whatever, this is not the olden days.) Continue reading →

Larbfeld report (updated)

21 August, 2006

In case you’ve been wondering what we’ve been up to lately Maureen Johnson has kindly provided a report. I can neither confirm nor deny any of its contents. Except to say that Maureen is way more famous than I am. And, um, no, Magic’s Child is not entirely finished yet. But it’s close. So very, very close. (Update: if you want to comment on Maureen’s post do it here. We’re going to shame her into turning the comments on.)

Turns out me and Scott are going to WorldCon in Ananheim on account of he won a prize and his publishers are flying him down. Cool, eh?

Since starting Magic’s Child a year ago (aarggh!) I have now written the beginnings of (and notes on) eight other novels. Which one should I write next?

  • The great Australian feminist monkey knife-fighting cricket Elvis mangosteen fairy novel (update: will include most, but possibly not all of these things.)
  • The compulsive liar book (update: yes the liar is the narrator)
  • The beginnings of cricket historical romance
  • The baby killing ghost novel (update: the ghost does not kill babies nor do babies kill ghosts)
  • The plastic surgery running away from Hollywood novel
  • Werewolf snowboarding epic
  • Kid who grows up in a Vintage Clothes Shop which her mum runs who can pick the best buys at fifty paces (much more interesting than this description makes it sound—honest!)

Let me know which one you reckon I should write next in the comments. (At a future date when MC is truly done I will figure out how to make a proper poll with ticky boxes and stuff. All you ljers have given me a major case of ticky box envy.)

Oh, and I’d be curious to hear reasons for your choices.

I’m hoping to be able to resume normal blogging, as well as actually responding to comments and emails in the next week or so. Really, really hoping . . .

Vetoes

20 August, 2006

Last night after a hard day’s work we thought we’d order up a movie. As you do. And we’re trying to pick one, but the movies we know anything about we’ve already seen or would rather die than see. So we’re reading descriptions of movies and we both start exercising the veto like you wouldn’t believe:

Scott: not watching any movie that has the word “cop” in the description.

Justine: or “battered” or “gruelling” or “genocide”.

Scott: not “lawyer” either or “detective”.

Justine: Isn’t that covered by “cop”?

Scott: No. Look “private detective”.

Justine: I rule out “bleak”, “heart-warming”, and “family-oriented”.

Scott: Also “doctor”.

Justine: Not to mention “life-threatening” and “disease”, especially if they’re the one phrase.

Scott: Aren’t those ruled out on account of my previous anti-“doctor” call?

Justine: Not necessarily. See this description of Love Story? Do you see the word “doctor”?

Scott: Point.

Justine: I nix “eternal” unless in relationship to the undead.

Scott: And “Zombie” is an automatic yes.

Justine: Der. So is “Robert Mitchum”.

Scott: Is there a Robert Mitchum zombie movie? Cause that would rock.

Justine: Funny you should say that cause look—here is Rachel and the Stranger (1948) with Robert Mitchum, Loretta Young and William “Tedious” Holden. Let me read you the description:

    A widowed pioneer needs someone to clean the house and help raise his child. So, he purchases a zombie to be his wife. But the forlorn frontiersman misses his first spouse so much that he’s barely aware of his new zombie bride. He changes his tune, however, when a buddy of his shows a romantic interest in her.
    (Synopsis swiped from Rotten Tomatoes.)

Scott: How could you marry a zombie? They would eat you.

Justine: These are pre-Romero zombies of the Caribbean voudoun kind. More soul-missing, sleepwalking, than “mmm, brains”. Plus it is based on a story by Howard Fast who is my personal god of popular fiction.

Scott: Okay, call it up.

Justine: [rubs hands together in the approved evil-genius manner] Mwahahaha!

Answers

5 August, 2006

While I’ve been buried in my book and/or in Kyoto (will tell all about it when my sister sends me photos) you lot asked a bunch of interesting quessies. Here are my answers:

    Quessies from Ken Kugler: I was wondering if the deadline given to you pushes you to complete a book before you are really ready to give it to the editor? It seems that if that is the case, writing the book first and being satisfied with the final results before handing it in would be the way to go if you can hold out for money. Also there is the question of payment. Are there financial incentives to consider such as preselling a series at a lower price?
    A: Sure, that definitely happens. So far it hasn’t happened to me. I’m blessed with editors who won’t publish anything from me unless they’re sure it’s the best I can do. I’m running late on the current book and rather than publish prematurely we’ve chosen to skip doing arcs (advance readers’ copies). If this were a standalone book or the first in a series that would be a disaster. Fortunately it’s the third book in a trilogy so it should be okay. I’d much rather be late and unreviewed than publish a sub-par book.
    Typically a starting writer will get more money for a finished book than for a partial (usually a first-time writer can’t sell from a partial at all). There are exceptions obviously. As you get more established and particularly if you become a New York Times bestselling author like Libba Bray or my old man or other exalted folk you can prolly sell a rough idea scribbled down on a napkin for scads of dosh. In my case I imagine I’ll get more money for a finished book (depends on the book, natch). If an agent or editor wants to step in and answer this one I’d love to hear it.
    Now a bunch from Amanda Coppedge to help flesh out my wikipedia entry:What is your favourite book? Er, um. So hard! It used to be The Master and Margarita. Some days it still is.

    Food: mangosteens.

    Colour: Um again. I am tempted to say puce. Easier to tell you what colour I don’t like: yellow. But that’s only cause I look crap in it.

    Animal: my husband.

    Toothpaste: people have a favourite toothpaste?

    Did you always want to be a writer, or did you have other career aspirations as a youngster? I never wanted to be anything else, but I did work on having a main job so that I could support myself. For the longest time that job was being an academic.

    Any awards, degrees, etc. that should really be up there? Not that I can think of. I am award-less. Though I do have a Ph.D so you must all bow down and call me Dr Justine.

    Anything else that just screams “essential Justine bio factoid”? That my religion is the noble sport of cricket.

    Quessie from Marrije: I wonder what stories the taxi drivers in New York tell themselves and each other about black people.

    A: Here are some theories I’ve heard: Cab drivers don’t stop for black men because they think they are more likely to be robbed and/or assaulted by black men then by anyone else. And they don’t stop for black women because they think they are accompanied by hidden black men who are just waiting for the cab to stop so that they can jump out and assault and/or rob them. And even if there is no assault the black passenger will make the cab driver go to an “unsafe” neighbourhood where they will be assaulted and/or robbed.

    Q from Kristine Smith: Have you run this [the idea of writing a book on spec] past your agent?

    A: Yup. She thought it was an excellent idea.

    In response to those (few) folks wanting to read the Cambodian novel: I may well make it available online some day, but only when all possibilities of traditional publication are totally exhausted.

If anyone else has any further theories, answers or questions fire away.

And thanks again for all the fab comments on the writing on spec post. I feel very encouraged by your responses. My loins are now girded. I shall do this thing!

Tell me stuff (updated)

16 July, 2006

You are correct that I have not been blogging much or responding to comments like I usually do or even responding to email a whole lot.

The reason is that I’m on a deadline (yes, the same one, yes, it was moved again, yes I really have to meet this one) and am working my arse off. (Oh, how I miss my arse!)

In the meantime I think you lot should entertain me. Here are some questions:

  1. Does anyone have any recs for best brunch place in NYC?
  2. Who’s going to be the first Australian to win the Tour de France (no, it doesn’t have to be this year)?
  3. What’s the best book you’ve read lately?
  4. I just read Out by Natuso Kirino. Loved it. Can anyone recommend a recent crime novel that’s sort of like? I don’t like mysteries—that is I prefer crime books where you know who done it and it’s the whys that are the thing. So I want something all psychologicy. (My fave crime writers are Patricia Highsmith and Jim Thompson.)
  5. Where do I go to buy buttons in NYC? (Yes, that’s right I still haven’t gotten them.) (Oh, and by “buttons” I mean those things that can fasten clothes.)
  6. Is anyone else following the New York Liberty this year? Testing times, eh?
  7. Apparently I need some kind of formal wear, you know, like a dress. Anyone got any recs for cool interesting designery shops in NYC?
  8. What’s your favourite Elvis song and why?
  9. Without googling explain the difference between the Australian and New Zealand flags. Which is lamer?
  10. What new-to-DVD movie should I get to reward myself when I finally meet the deadline?

Thanks! Hope you’re all having a fab weekend (what’s left of it), that all your deadlines are being met and you don’t look at Monday morning with too much dread. As soon as my deadline is finished I promise to be a good blogger again.

Update: bonus question:

Riemannia‘s question here reminds me that I’ve been wondering what you call those metal door thingies that you see all the time here in the footpaths of NYC. You know, that when you open them reveal stairs that lead down into the basement of shops and restaurants and bars. Do they have a name? They aren’t grates so what are they?

Names & titles

11 June, 2006

Over at Miss Snark’s some folks get all snooty when agents address them by first name. I find their crankiness weird and am wondering if it’s a generational thing or because (as another commenter says) I’m Australian and we’re less uptight more relaxed than USians.

Personally, I’m more squicked when people insist on using a title with my name. My name is Justine Larbalestier, it’s not Ms Justine Larbalestier, certainly not Miss or Mrs Justine Larbalestier and you’re risking life and limb if you ever use Mrs Scott Westerfeld, though FYI Scott adores being called Mr Justine Larbalestier.

If you must use a title the correct one’s actually Dr, which I’m not wild about either, but at least I earned that one after almost four years of blood, sweat and tears (oh, yes, tears, lots and lots and lots of tears).

But how to negotiate this web of correct name/title useage? Even though I think it’s fusty and weird to want to be addressed by a title I also don’t want to offend anyone (not unintentionally anyways). So what are you supposed to do when some folks will spit the dummy if you don’t use a title, and others if you do?!

Here’s my cunning solution: echo how they sign off. If they sign off Dr Massively Stuckup, then you respond thus:

    Dear Dr Massively Stuckup

And sign off how you would prefer to be addressed:

    Cheers,

    Notuptightatall

Simple, eh?

But what to do if you’re the one writing the first letter? If you have a mutual acquaintance ask them. Otherwise play it safe. In the US of A I would use title plus full name (unless I can’t figure out whether they’re a sheila or a bloke or whether they have a phd or not in which case I’d use full name). In Australia I use full name sans title. Then I wait for the reply and adjust my salutation accordingly.

Aren’t you lucky to have me here to solve all etiquette problems?

Weirdness Meme

20 January, 2006

Shana tagged me and I didn’t even know it.

It’s a tricky meme, I’m not saying I’m not weird and all, it’s just that pretty much all the weirdnesses I’d be willing to tell you about—how much I hate socks etc. a) have already appeared on many other people’s lists (and thus how weird can it really be?) and b) I just don’t think that’s weird. Frankly, it’s the people who like socks that I worry about.

So here are the weirdnesses I’m okay with you knowing about (oh, and family of mine and close friends—you do not have permission to post comments):

    1) I don’t like anything with caffeine in it. Not coffee, chocolate, coke, tea, not anything. This is not a health choice. They taste bad to me. Especially coffee and dark chocolate. Yuk! (Liquids should never be imbibed hot cause it’s just weird! And why would you drink soft drinks when you could have yummy water? Very weird indeed.)

    2) I love all food that wobbles. Yes, including tripe. (I am, however, very particular about how the tripe is cooked. Italian and Spanish tripe=good; English tripe=bleahh!)

    3) I love offal, even the stuff that doesn’t wobble. Mmmm foie gras . . . (and I live with a vegetarian!)

    4) My favourite joke is still “where did Napoleon keep his armies?” I’ve found it hilarious since I was five years old.

    5) I think about food all the time. I mean all the time (I was thinking about it while writing about the Napoleon joke). I do not think that’s weird.

I’m not tagging anyone else, it seems rude or something. But, you know, if you feel like doing this meme consider yourself tagged.

P.S. A belated thanks to Chris McLaren for helping me get recent comments showing up in the sidebar. You, sir, are a WordPress god!

Things I Don’t Understand

23 December, 2005

1. Why the exact same brand toothpaste has radically different packaging in different countries.

2. Why everyone thinks King Kong is the best movie ever.

3. Why no one told me that Lost is excellent genre TV.

4. Why whenever you buy chips in an Oz pub they always come served in a plastic fake-wood bowl.

5. Why cricket isn’t the dominant sport in every country in the world.

6. How anyone could wear gold sandals and not be ironic.