Zombie Apocalypse Survival Plan

I have no zombie apocalypse survival plan.

There are many reasons for this. Largely it’s because I am one of those least likely to survive. I am not exceptionally strong or fit. I don’t run very fast. My knowledge of firearms is limited to what I’ve seen on tellie. I don’t know how to drive. And though I assume I could figure it out in an emergency on account of having watched other people drive, I’d be a crap driver, wouldn’t I?

Basically, without civilization I’m a goner. My idea of roughing it includes not having a Vivienne Westwood ballgown.1 I have no idea how to fix anything except broken first drafts.

But I’ve also decided not to bother with a plan because I have learned from my copious consumption of zombie books and movies that there is no surviving the zombie apocalypse. All you can do is stave off the inevitable. Eventually the shopping centre is invaded by a biker gang, the fences fall, or the experimental zombie subjects in your underground bunker get loose.

So my crap plan is to keep the fridge stocked with really good champers, have lots of water and other essentials as well as emergency tins of foie gras2 in the cupboard, ice cream in the freezer, and hope that all my fave people are with me so we can watch the world go down together.

  1. That’s correct, I’m roughing it right now! []
  2. Sorry, Scott, my darling vegetarian husband. []


  1. Diana Peterfreund on #

    I for one welcome our undead overlords. Pass the champagne.

  2. Joey-la on #

    I think that is a great plan! According to ‘facebook quizzes’ I would be the first to die in any kind of horror movie (zombie or otherwise) so I figure – make the most of the small amount of time left over!
    Although, I might leave out the champane as I am 14 years old…..:D

  3. Patrick on #

    I believe you’ll live longer if you strip to your undies and scream a lot.

    Personally, my plan is to be the evil ruling tyrant of a zombie-free paradise that all of you champagne sippers will hear about and eventually brave the zombie fields to get to.

    Of course, I believe this dooms me to death in one on one combat when some upstart challeges my heavy handed rule, using a combat challenge law I instituted when I was much younger but had forgotten about, though my council clearly hasn’t. Those weak conniving bastards!!!

  4. J on #

    yay for zombie apocolypses. i might need to make a plan for one. a really good plan. though nothing could be as good as yours…
    and then i might need to make a plan for a unicorn apocolypse… hey, it might happen. and u have to be prepared. bows and arrows… might need to learn how to use them. hey, unicorn apocolypses are just as scary as zombie apocolypses.

  5. libba on #

    Be sure to get that ball gown before the ZAP. (Zombie Apocalypse Acronym) You want to go out wearing your best. Pair it with the cowboy boots.

  6. Chelsea on #

    I was a hide and seek champion in my neighborhood when I was a little kid. I wonder if this will help.

  7. Cat on #

    I’ll have my husband contact you as he’s got his plan all planned out. Heck, he’s even got a Survival Guide on his desk for the Zombie Apocalypse! I figure I’ll just sick to him like glue as he saves the few of us who will be saved.

    So, really, my plan is to just rely on my husband. If he gets eaten though, I’m screwed.

  8. Maureen Johnson on #

    I understand completely! You are preparing to have a PARTY when our shambling friends come!

  9. Justine on #

    Looks like I’ll have a lot of company at my party at the end of the world.

    Chelsea: Zombies can’t see. They just know where humans are. Hiding won’t help. Though it will be good for escaping the bikie gangs.

  10. Nisha on #

    You and I both can chill while the zombies are busy taking over. I’m not exactly ready to survive a zombie attack either. Mhm. Maybe we can keep them away with good champagne?

  11. Patrick on #

    You know you all want to come to my tyranical zombie free paradise. I can see your strategy from your party plans.

    It’s a well known fact that the resveratrol in champagne masks the scent of brains from zombies. Your party will be a drunken champagne quest to keep yourselves alive.


    You can’t find champagne and you need my –MY– protection…and –MY– rules! Oh crap – that’s my rule, too? Why would I make such a stupid rule?

  12. Justine on #

    Patrick: We’ve all seen Land of the Dead! No way are we going anywhere near your Dennis Hopper-led hellhole!

  13. Patrick on #

    You say that now, but wait until you are out of champagne.

  14. Eric Luper on #

    When we were talking to the architect about redesigning our lake house I asked what precautions he was building into the design in the case of a zombie outbreak. I have never been met with a blanker blank stare.

  15. Jennifer on #

    I totally agree. I can’t drive either, I hate cooking anything that didn’t come from the freezer, I have a green thumb, and I drank most of the bottled water. If I have to figure out survival alone, I might as well go outside and yell “Come and get me! Mmm, brains!” and be done with it.

  16. Alistar on #

    Hey, guys (and girls) I just noticed that Patrick forgot to list his plan of SURVIVING the Z.A. I plan to fight my way to a Gun store (with a sword or any blade I can get my hand on) and hold out there. Oh, and bring as much Canned pasta that I can get my hands on 🙂

  17. Alistar on #

    How are you getting to the Zombie free paradise?

  18. Dan on #

    Well, I have to say that when the Zombie Apocalypse starts. I actually know my guns,hand to hand combat,reasonng skills,and close chat weapon skills (Thanks to millitary school…and juvy), I’m going to bring all the champagne and vodka all in a car and go and ride it out on top of a grocery store and just get more food when I can. I’m planning on driving and armoring up somestupid pick-up truck and loading everything in just incase of an ambush so I can make my getaway.
    That is just the summary of my plan.
    and did I tell you all that I’m only fourteen?

  19. Matt on #

    I live in an area with a population of 4,281,899(last checked in ’07) if anybody i screwed, its me.

  20. Matt on #

    and im only 13

  21. lace on #

    well, i live in a town with a population of 11,000, so i’m good. Also, i live near a large cave system, so i’ll be underground eating my lifetime supply o cheerios and drinking from the undergrouind spring while u folks r torn to shreds and eaten. Cheers, everybody!

  22. Alex on #

    Me and a mate have it all planned out. We’re fourteen, I’m gonna wander up to his, and we’re gonna get in a car with any other survivors. Then, we go to B&Q(Morrisons is next door) and build a massive indestructible fort. Then we’ll stock up on knives, hammers and chainsaws. And of course food. Then, if need be I can drive a boat (basics anyways) so we can go to where ever :D…Doubt this will work but it’s worth a go. Other wise I’ll join your party and we can all sing ‘I will survive’.

  23. The OTHER Tally Youngblood on #

    I would do exactly what Max Brooks, author of The Zombie Survivial Guide says you shouldn’t do. “Get out there and kick zombie a–!” Just kidding. I’d grab my machete and my ipod full of David Crowder Band music then head for the hills trying my best to remember what I read in the Guide two and a half months ago! (Ugh I always have bad run on sentences when I get hyped up for an apocalypse! Hurry up already you stupid solanumbuists! 😀

  24. The OTHER Tally Youngblood on #

    Oh and cars always run out of gas and jam up the freeway so u all r dead meat (no pun intended)

  25. Hydroman on #

    In a zombie apocalypse the best thing to do probably is to head north to canada or something were there arent many people and stay ther as long as u can but its true you can only stave off the inevitable becuase ther is just to many people who would be zombies and food would eventually run low and youll die eventually, and dont go to alaska, 30 days of night in the zombie apocalypse and yur dead.

  26. SSoZRT on #

    get some annumnation for my guns and find transport and get to a air port land in anartica cause there will be no humans there and there will be food there and before i go i bring some heat with me

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