4-0 and England weeps

What is wrong with England?

  • shite fielding: Look at Australia in the field and then look at England. The Poms with a few exceptions (Collingwood, Panesar, Pietersen) have no intensity. They don’t run down every single ball, turning fours into threes, twos into ones, and saving singles. They look lethargic and bored.
  • shite captaincy: Flintoff looks lost. He’s not leading by example given his poor batting displays and erratic bowling and he’s not leading on the paddock. His field placings have been all over the place. He elects to bat when the wicket is iffy. He doesn’t seem to know whether he’s playing test cricket or Sunday arvo mah jong. And way to not show any confidence in your new bowlers Panesar and Mahmoud. Give ’em three overs here, then pull ’em off, and never let ’em get their rhythm going.
  • shite field placings: What’s with the defensiveness? What’s with giving Monty fields that allow the batsmen to score at will? What’s with no consistent plan of attack?
  • shite batting: You’ve got eleven blokes with bats. Surely you can get two or three of them not to throw their wickets away? And do none of you know how to shepherd the tail?
  • shite selections: Monty Panesar a very promising spin bowler. Chris Read is a million times the keeper that Geraint Jones is and Sajid Mahmoud’s got promise and all. Why were they kept out of the side by way less promising and performing players?
  • shite protection of your top secret bowling plans: I mean, honestly! Did you really have to make the farce farcier?

Your boat is listing, England, fix it. World cricket needs you. And I need you to get your shit together so there’ll be a fourth day in Sydney. I’ve got tickets! C’mon, people!

Meanwhile Australia is doing just fine. Every single player has more than proved their worth during this series. Andrew Symonds has finally shown what he can do at test level, Brett Lee has got his groove back, Stuart Clark is fabulous and Warne has proven once again what a gobsmackingly incredible cricketer he is. Oh, how I will miss him!

Did anyone else get a tad teary as he walked off the MCG with McGrath?


  1. Perry Middlemiss on #

    A lot of fun was had on Wednesday at the cricket, amongst those around me, about whether Pietersen was actually awake out there on the mid-wicket boundary, or whether he was just dreaming of South Africa. A big cheer went up when he fielded the ball, and then when (very late in the day) Flintoff brought him into an orthodox mid-wicket position. The English family next to me left before tea – just couldn’t take the crap being dished up any more I guess.

  2. chrisbarnes on #

    yeah, i can’t believe england didn’t have monty on from day one of the fisrt test. and england’s batting depth is woeful, though at least monty and harmison have showed a bit of spirit in the tail.

    what about symonds’ 6 to bring up his ton? glorious! he made it look so easy.

    can’t say i felt teary as they walked off but it sure felt like the end of an era.

  3. benpeek on #

    >Did anyone else get a tad teary as he walked off the MCG with McGrath?

    no, but i liked his little bow 🙂

    england suck, though. australia have played well as a side, and it’d be nice to have seen an equally well prepared and performing side for them to play against.

    my friend had tickets for day four of the melb test…

  4. jonathan on #

    they are stinking surrender monkeys. they’re not what i think of when it think of an england team. they lack the guts, the pride and even the skill to be considered a true england team. when australia lost the ashes in 2005 i said that it was because that england team played out of its skin while australia played well below its standards, and even then they only lost by a whisker. this is just a restoration of the normal order.

    i think the worst thing i’ve seen about this england team is its lack of team spirit and professionalism. a few people have mentioned the decision to play pietersen at number four. there’s been a bit of ‘oh, he didn’t want to bat there, he said no’!! can you imagine any australian test batsmen, hell any real test batsmen saying no to batting at four for his country!!! unbelievable.

  5. James on #

    Yep, that about sums it up. Although the general reaction here in England seems to be, “Oh well, we’re rubbish again.” with cricket fans getting a little bit angry.

    The annoying thing is that last year cricket actually made the headlines, above football. Kids actually wanted to play cricket. In the park in summer kids were playing cricket not football. And now I fear all that has been undone.

    And it’s not finished yet. We’ll lose all the one day matches too, and exit the world cup early.

  6. Justine on #

    It puts fear in my heart that this English team is supposed to be the second best team in the world. That can’t be true.

    Don’t get me wrong nothing gives me greater pleasure than seeing England put to the sword. But not when they’re the best the world has to offer. I love cricket and I want it to grow and prosper. A weak England, a weak West Indies and the rest of them does not help with that.

    On the other hand the game is still huge in India and Pakistan despite the unevenness of their teams. Wait till their teams get it together. That wil be something to watch!

    I’m not sure what can be done for English cricket. They need a Shane Warne. Someone who is better than anyone else at what they do at a time when no one else is practisiing that particular art. Maybe a left-armer who can bowl both orthodox and unorthodox and has a raft of bowls of their very own invention?

    They’ll need to be charasmatic, brilliant and deeply telegenic. They can inspire a whole generation of littlies to get the cricket bug.

    Jonathan: You’re not an ex-Englishman are you? Such fury!

  7. jonathan on #

    no. i’m a cricket lover. the ashes contest is important. it’s the most important one in cricket. when a side just folds, gives in, packs up and goes home without an effort, it’s bad for the game, bad for the ashes, just bad.

    and alfie’s retired! dang. that’s four. i know it was almost certain, but suddenly this is getting a harder series to watch as it goes on.

  8. Justine on #

    Agreed, but I don’t think they caved entirely on purpose. Australia really are vastly better than they are. It’s hard to know what to do when every time you have your opposition even remotely on the ropes they regroup and blow you away. I can imagine it must be bloody demoralising.

    Like you I worry about the long term prospects of our beloved game. A strong England, West Indies and India is key. There are signs of spasmodic health from all three. But every time they play us (barring the last Ashes and India at home) it all blows away . . .

    And Langer going? It really is the end of this era, isn’t it? It feels so weird. But a good time to retire. They all get to go out on high. Austrlia the strongest it’s ever been. And maybe Australia being a little weaker for a while will help lift the other test teams in the world? Though it’s absolutely no certainty we will be that much weaker. We’ve still got the likes of Stuart Clark and Micheal Hussey etc etc etc.

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